Rarely does a week go by when I don’t receive a new comment on a post written for us by author, Sheila Wray-Gregoire, more than a year ago: What to Do When Your Husband Has a Low Sex Drive.
And although I’m always surprised when one pops up, I really shouldn’t be as research has long shown that one out of every five men have a low sex drive.
So many husbands and wives battle with a low libido. And many, albeit not true in most instances, believe a decline in sex means there is something wrong with their marriage or that the romance is dying.
A low libido can be an indicator of so many things: health challenges, stress, birth control, medication, too much wine, fatigue, hormonal changes and the list goes on. This is the reason I wrote this post last week: 5 Days to Better Sex in Marriage.
For some of you, that post was just what you needed. For others, I realize it might be a tad more complicated.
If you love and adore your spouse (and I’m pretty certain you do, otherwise you’d unlikely be perusing a site called the Happy Wives Club), but find yourself getting frustrated in the bedroom, I sure hope this will help!
1. Get to the root of the issue. I can’t stress this enough. If your sex life isn’t what it used to be, don’t panic. This doesn’t mean you (or your spouse) is lacking interest, love or romance. It could be a fairly large range of things. If your husband is the one with the low libido, it could be due to any of these things. If you’re the one needing a bit of a boost in the bedroom, it could very well be due to one of these challenges.
2. Reduce stress. You’d be surprised the number of couples whose sex drive kicks into overdrive just by doing two simple things: turning off electronics and intentionally not thinking about anything that brings about stress. When you are stressed, every organ in your body is impacted, including the organ that dictates your sex drive: your brain. If you have too much going on in that mind of yours, the likelihood that you’ll be able to have a mind blowing sexual experience is pretty close to nil. What can you and your spouse do to reduce your stress in order to enjoy making love more often? Answer that question and you just may very well be able to skip the rest of this post.
3. Have a little fun in the kitchen. Okay, I know what you’re thinking…and that wasn’t what I was thinking. But that’s not a bad idea! This is all about boosting your sex drive naturally with some help from your pantry. Studies have long shown that certain vitamins and minerals increase nerve sensitivity and boost hormone levels, pumping up that sometimes elusive libido. So I compiled this list of the 15 best aphrodisiac recipes for you and your husband I found on the web.
4. Try something different. This five day challenge might be just what the doctor ordered. Day 1: Exploration. Day 2: Lube it or lose it. Day 3. Get out of the bedroom. Day 4. Think sensual thoughts. Day 5. Create a sensual playlist. All of these things are very simple, but when done over the course of 5 days as outlined here, you might find that what you thought you lost is quickly found. Make sure to address item #2 on this list (reduce stress) first, to obtain the best possible results from this 5-day challenge.
5. Especially FOR MEN: Stay fit and keep the weight off. “Not only will you simply feel better about yourself, but body fat also inhibits testosterone production. And, apparently, it’s really important for men to watch their waist size as belly fat absorbs testosterone more efficiently than fat cells elsewhere in the body. Both men and women will benefit from exercise, though, as aerobic workouts increase blood flow to sex organs. According to Martika Heaner for MSN Health and Fitness, ‘psychological self-confidence that you get from being physically fit, accomplishing weight loss goals or simply losing weight boosts your self-esteem and helps you to feel sexier.’”
6. Especially FOR WOMEN: Feel great from the inside out. For everyone, this means something different. For me, I’m the least comfortable making love when I’m out of shape and parts that shouldn’t be jiggling seem to be dancing to music not actually being played. Keith loves making love to me whether I’m in shape or not. But personally, I’m just not as comfortable and since I know this about myself, I eat fairly healthy and exercise at least 3 days a week. For you, this may not be an issue. Whatever makes you feel great about yourself, that’s what you want to focus on because confidence is the sexiest thing you’re ever going to wear.
7. Meditate to improve your sexual experiences. If when I say “meditate,” what comes to mind is twisting your body like a pretzel, in the midst of hundreds of lit candles with Sanskrit chants playing in the background, we’re talking about two different things. The benefits of meditation to your sex life are too numerous to list here but here are seven surprising reasons why meditation can improve your sex life. My personality is classic type-A. Meditation and prayer allow me to do something that doesn’t come natural to my driver personality: don’t sweat the small stuff.
8. Determine what you want. What does the perfect sexual experience look and feel like to you? Do you have a favorite time when you and your spouse made love? Do you remember where you were, what music was playing, your mindset at that moment? Recall that time…together. And remember, if you did it before, you can do it again. It might take a bit more time and effort now that you’re older, with so much on your minds, but rest assured it can be done again. You just have to commit to get there together.
9. Create an open and accepting space. If your spouse is the one with the low libido, this may be one of the most important action items on this list for you. Creating an environment where your spouse feels cherished and respected, in spite of this temporary challenge, is one of the most loving things you can do. Your spouse wants to please you in every way, including sexually, so not being able to do so is undoubtedly eating away at him. Assure him you’re committed to figuring this out together. And the happiness in your marriage is greater than just this one thing. Yes, it’s important. But your love, friendship, laughter and lifelong partnership means so much more.
10. Remove the pressure to get it perfect every time. Have you seen the movie, The Thomas Crown Affair, with Pierce Brosnan and Rene Russo? If you have, there’s no doubt you remember that steamy sex scene that went from one room to another, from the top of the bed to under the bed, to the stairs and so on…without so much as a break. Newsflash: that is not the real world. If you watched a sex scene being shot on a Hollywood set, you’d undoubtedly know there’s nothing sexy about the twenty-plus attempts it took to create that “perfect” shot. The most amazing and mind-blowing sex possible is that between spouses who love, adore, respect and cherish each other. If that is you and your spouse (which I suspect it is), go through this list again -beginning with the most important one: getting to the root of the issue- and figure out together how you can make it great from here on out.
Creating the marriage of your dreams, like any other great achievement, doesn’t just happen by happenstance. It takes time, effort, grace and patience. The same can be said about your sex life. When you’re twenty years down the road, and enjoying life with your best friend, you’ll be so happy you took the time to get it right…together…today.
Until tomorrow…make it a great day!
THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book. I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way. It’s a marriage book like none other. Guaranteed.
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