Tag Archives: connecting with spouse

Listening Night

Listening Night

You know the old saying “opposites attract”? In many ways, that was true for my husband and I. While we certainly have our similarities, there are many ways in which we are opposite. 

My husband, for example is and extrovert and kind of a genius. He taught himself to read Greek in less than a year, and his idea of a relaxing afternoon is studying his tremendously thick C++ computer programming book.

I’m an introvert that would rather spend my time working on my blog, writing books or reading a young adult novel. And for the record, I can’t understand computer programming to save my own life. 

Needless to say, sometimes each of us are more than a little bit bored by the other’s interests.

My husband can drone on for hours about the intricacies of his latest computer program that he’s designing. Not a topic I’m particularly interested in, but then we also have the times when I’m babbling non-stop about blog stats or social media algorithms and he’s as lost in that conversation as I am when he discusses Greek with me!

That’s why listening night, is important to us. And no, we don’t call it that, it’s nothing official, it’s just taking the time, to really, truly listen.

Usually when my husband jabbers on about something I don’t understand I give a half-hearted “mmmhmmm” and move on to something else. It’s okay, because he gives me a tired “that’s great honey” when I talk about my blog and after a bit he tends to change the topic too. We both understand, because these aren’t our shared passions, and they don’t have to be. 

But sometimes, it’s still good to take the time to truly listen. To ask questions and do your best to comprehend the other’s interests. Even when they are completely beyond your realm of understanding, like my husband’s are to me.

When I do this it’s my way of saying “I love you” to him in that moment, as I try to understand whatever has his smart brain intrigued for today. I hear the “love you” back from him as he grins and cheers with me when I break a blogging milestone or tell him about a novel that had me in tears. 

Listening night doesn’t have to be something official, (although it can be). It’s just the simple decision to put aside phones, and switch off the tv, to look each other in the eye and truly try to understand what your spouse is fascinated with, even when it doesn’t also fascinate you. 

Comment Below:  When was the last time you and your hubby had a listening night? Do you have opposite hobbies like we do, or are all of your interests similar? 

3 Simple Steps to Connect More Deeply with Your Husband

3 Simple Steps to Connect More Deeply with Your Husband

3 Simple Steps to Connect More Deeply with Your Husband

OH how I love HWC Contributor, Kim Hall!  

When I first visited her site, TooDarnHappy.com, a couple years ago, my first thought was, “This gal sounds pretty darn happy!”

For some, I know that’s a turn off; they immediately assume the person is being disengenuous.  But I’m an optimist so it drew me right in.  

The more I got to know her, the more I realized how deep that happiness ran (and her passion for practicing gratitude daily).

This much I know about Kim: she loves her husband, she adores her family, she is living the life she most desires, and she’s pretty darn happy!

For those reasons (and so many more), I love reading everything she writes.  So without further ado…

Until Monday…make it a great weekend!

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Have you ever gotten into an apocalyptic battle a civil discussion with your husband about how you are being treated like a slave are not feeling appreciated?

Did you gain insight and perspective, or did one or both of you just ultimately walk away from the conversation with more hurt feelings?

Some time ago my hubby and I learned a better way to handle these situations, and we always come away feeling more enlightened and connected.

Here are 3 simple steps to connect more deeply with your husband:

1. Set the stage. Plan for quiet time together, just the two of you (no television or other distractions), perhaps by taking a walk, relaxing after a meal, or just getting comfortable.

2. Ask the question. The essence is this:“What do I do that shows you I love you?”

I encourage you to introduce it like this: “I’m curious. I’ve been thinking about the things that I do or could do that show you I love you, and I wonder if you would share something I do that makes you feel loved.

Your husband may need some time to think, possibly beyond today, especially if he feels he’s being pressured to give the “right answer”, which is probably not his true answer. Just be patient. After all, nagging probably doesn’t make him feel loved. :-)

3. Respond with loving action. . . even if his answer is not what you expected. There’s an excellent possibility he may not answer with the ONE THING that you are sure makes his heart sing. But then, that is the whole point of asking, isn’t it? Your goal is to gather quality information and act with awareness so your husband will feel deeply loved. 

If his answer surprises and/or disappoints you, this is NOT your cue to pounce on him like a tiger on wounded prey. Take a few deep breaths and get curious rather than frustrated.

Take the opportunity to share with him as well. Let him know something he does that shows you he loves you.  These actions can take many forms, such as leaving little love notes, gently touching your shoulder, taking out the trash, giving you his undivided attention, etc.

Once he shares what makes him feel loved, be sure to do more of that, and you will be delighted by the results!

Remember, it is what we pay attention to in our relationship that grows. 

QUESTION: What do you do that shows your husband you love him, or what does he do for you? I invite you to join in the conversation!

May you find happiness wherever you are! Kim @Too Darn Happy


21 Days to a Better Sex Life

21 Days to a Better Sex Life {Getting into the Habit of Saying “Yes!”}

21 Days to a Better Sex Life

I hope you never get tired of me gushing over HWC contributor, Sheila Wray Gregoire, but I can’t help it.  I absolutely adore her!

Maybe it’s because she spends her days and nights talking about something many still consider taboo.  Or maybe it’s because she’s tackling an issue that can be a challenge even in the best of marriages.

Either way, I adore her and am appreciative she’s -again- helping us create better sex lives. (Disclosure: I’ve done this and it works!!)

Until Monday…make it a great weekend! 

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When kids come into the kitchen and say, “Mom, can I have…” we default to “No.”

We assume the words “ice cream” or “chocolate” or “Cheetos” will finish that sentence, and so the No is oftentimes out of our mouths before they even stop talking. It’s habit.

The same thing can happen with sex.

When you get in the habit of not making love for weeks, that becomes your default.

But while it’s good to refuse your kids Cheetos, refusing sex makes marriage kinda blah. And distant. And boring.

Why not work at developing a habit of saying “yes”? After all, sex isn’t just for him – there are plenty sex benefits for you, too! It feels great (and if it doesn’t, I’ve got lots here that can help). It helps you sleep. And it bonds you together.

Now researchers say it takes 21 days to develop a new habit. It has to naturally flow into your schedule. And many of us have evening schedules where sex doesn’t naturally flow.

Maybe after dinner you both scatter on your different computers, and then you go to bed at different times. Maybe he plays video games and you check Facebook, until one of you turns in. But if you’re going to make sex a “good” habit, it has to fit in naturally. So here are some thoughts to make that a reality:

1. Connect Early in the Evening

Sometime after dinner, connect by sharing your hearts and concerns. Go for a walk or a hike. Do dishes together. Do some activity during which you can unload some of the burden of today, so that it’s not impeding your ability to enjoy making love later.

2. Take “Me” Time During the Day

We all need time just for “me”–time when we don’t have to work, when we can relax without the kids, when we can do our hobbies. Try to find that during the day, maybe over the lunch hour at work, or during naptime with the kids. You can even tell the kids that they need a quiet time from 4-5, for instance–when they play in their rooms so that you can relax, too. That way you won’t need to take that “me” time at night.

3. Decide What Time You’ll Switch off Technology

Instead of spending your time on screens all night, decide together that you’ll switch off at 9:30 or 10, for instance.  Having this “cut off” rule, no matter what, will spur conversation (or better yet, cuddling) between the two of you.

4. Head to Bed Together

Go to bed together, at least eight hours before you have to be up the next morning. That way you have time to cuddle, to talk in bed, and to reach for each other.

Instead of always asking yourself, “do I want to tonight?”–because the answer will likely be no–ask yourself, “Do I have a really good reason to say no?” Make the expectation that you will say yes, not no. Then set up your schedule so that you’ll be together at night.

And presto!  21 Days to a Better Sex Life isn’t about following rules, it’s about creating a new habit.  And a fun one at that!

And if you need help on making sex a habit, why not work on my 31 Days to Great Sex with your hubby? Work on it for 31 days, and after that 31 Days you’ll be more used to spending time together at night!


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