I hope you never get tired of me gushing over HWC contributor, Sheila Wray Gregoire, but I can’t help it. I absolutely adore her!
Maybe it’s because she spends her days and nights talking about something many still consider taboo. Or maybe it’s because she’s tackling an issue that can be a challenge even in the best of marriages.
Either way, I adore her and am appreciative she’s -again- helping us create better sex lives. (Disclosure: I’ve done this and it works!!)
Until Monday…make it a great weekend!
When kids come into the kitchen and say, “Mom, can I have…” we default to “No.”
We assume the words “ice cream” or “chocolate” or “Cheetos” will finish that sentence, and so the No is oftentimes out of our mouths before they even stop talking. It’s habit.
The same thing can happen with sex.
When you get in the habit of not making love for weeks, that becomes your default.
But while it’s good to refuse your kids Cheetos, refusing sex makes marriage kinda blah. And distant. And boring.
Why not work at developing a habit of saying “yes”? After all, sex isn’t just for him – there are plenty sex benefits for you, too! It feels great (and if it doesn’t, I’ve got lots here that can help). It helps you sleep. And it bonds you together.
Now researchers say it takes 21 days to develop a new habit. It has to naturally flow into your schedule. And many of us have evening schedules where sex doesn’t naturally flow.
Maybe after dinner you both scatter on your different computers, and then you go to bed at different times. Maybe he plays video games and you check Facebook, until one of you turns in. But if you’re going to make sex a “good” habit, it has to fit in naturally. So here are some thoughts to make that a reality:
1. Connect Early in the Evening
Sometime after dinner, connect by sharing your hearts and concerns. Go for a walk or a hike. Do dishes together. Do some activity during which you can unload some of the burden of today, so that it’s not impeding your ability to enjoy making love later.
2. Take “Me” Time During the Day
We all need time just for “me”–time when we don’t have to work, when we can relax without the kids, when we can do our hobbies. Try to find that during the day, maybe over the lunch hour at work, or during naptime with the kids. You can even tell the kids that they need a quiet time from 4-5, for instance–when they play in their rooms so that you can relax, too. That way you won’t need to take that “me” time at night.
3. Decide What Time You’ll Switch off Technology
Instead of spending your time on screens all night, decide together that you’ll switch off at 9:30 or 10, for instance. Having this “cut off” rule, no matter what, will spur conversation (or better yet, cuddling) between the two of you.
4. Head to Bed Together
Go to bed together, at least eight hours before you have to be up the next morning. That way you have time to cuddle, to talk in bed, and to reach for each other.
Instead of always asking yourself, “do I want to tonight?”–because the answer will likely be no–ask yourself, “Do I have a really good reason to say no?” Make the expectation that you will say yes, not no. Then set up your schedule so that you’ll be together at night.
And presto! 21 Days to a Better Sex Life isn’t about following rules, it’s about creating a new habit. And a fun one at that!
And if you need help on making sex a habit, why not work on my 31 Days to Great Sex with your hubby? Work on it for 31 days, and after that 31 Days you’ll be more used to spending time together at night!