The Importance of Independence in an Interdependent Marriage
“Huh? What did you say? Can you speak up?”
That was my husband’s response to my attempt at being a little more “ladylike.”
This was years ago, so I’m not sure what book I was reading (I’m a perpetual learner, for sure), or why I had any desire to change the wiring of how I was created.
I’ve always been a bit feisty. A bit mouthy. My filter has a gaping whole in it.
(But…not rude. I feel the need to make that distinction, as there is certainly a difference. And many who say, “I just tell it like it is,” are just plain ole mean.)
So there it was, my attempt to be a bit more demure. To talk less, keep my tone lower, and overall become more like what I perceived feminine to be.
And then Keith -who I swear was placed on this earth just to help me become a better version of myself- reminded me of something.
First, it was utterly ridiculous that he was sitting just a few feet away and still couldn’t hear me. Secondly, I’m just not wired that way. And it’s okay. The woman he fell in love with is the woman he’d like me to remain.
Earlier this year, when I finished traveling the world in search of the universal secrets to a happy marriage, for my book, Happy Wives Club, I sent the first draft to a small focus group.
One of the women in the group, a single gal named Esther, called me when she was midway through the book.
“This book just gave me hope. I always thought I’d have to lose a part of myself when I got married. I wasn’t open to meeting anyone or having a serious relationship because of that. But this made me realize that marriage enhances a person, not diminish them.”
When I hung up the phone, my heart was filled with joy because I realized something amazing had happened. This young lady, who thought some of her strength would be lost once she said I do, realized that couldn’t have been further from the truth.
Throughout my interviews with happily married couples around the world, one of the things that came up time and time again was the importance of independence in an interdependent marriage.
Hobbies, volunteering, work, spending time with girlfriends – these were all things that both husband, and wife, professed was important to creating a healthy relationship.
One of the beauties of doing things on your own -having things that you love to do- is when you and your husband see each other later that day, you have something new to share. Neither of you feel smothered or trapped.
You are freed to celebrate each other, your individual passions and successes, and your personal thumbprint. Just as there is only one of those, there is only one of you. And YOU are who your hubby fell head over heels in love with.
One way we both maintain our independence while nurturing the intimacy in our marriage is unconditional acceptance. I never want my husband to be anyone other than he is and vice versa.
I once heard someone say, “Don’t try to make someone else like you, because if there are two of you, one is unnecessary.” Celebrate you. All your gifts and talents, idiosyncrasies – flaws and all.
There are many ingredients in the recipe of a successful marriage. Maintaining who you are, your identity, and a bit of independence is most certainly the salt and pepper. (and what is a recipe without seasoning?)
Until Monday…make it a great weekend!
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Fawn Weaver
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