Miserable to Happy Wife With One Simple Change

By Cheri Gregory on Friday, December 6, 2013

Miserable to Happy Wife With One Simple Change

On our Facebook community page, more than 400,000 of us inspire one another daily through positive messages, quote memes and anything else that encourages happy and loving marriages.

But every now and again, I’ll get a message that reads something like this, “Why are you always focused on us?!  Why don’t you tell our husbands how they can love us better?!”

My response is usually some variation of, “Because you’ve come to the Happy Wives Club.  It’s a community of women.  Don’t think there are many husbands hanging out here.”

But more importantly, as I always remind them, there is only one person we can change.  When you point your finger at another, there are still three fingers pointing back at yourself.  And such is life.

For those of you who are already happily married, you may not find this article very useful.  But I bet you know someone who will so my request is that you’d scroll to the bottom and click “share.”  

I want to make sure all those who want to be happy in their marriage, and are committed to taking that first step, read this post written by our fabulous HWC contributor, Cheri Gregory.

Until Monday…make it a great day!

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Confession: I haven’t always been a Happy Wife.

For years, I was the reigning president and sole member of “The Most Miserable Wife Club.”  Nobody brought gifts to my pity parties and the entertainment was terrible!

I was sure that my husband’s many problems were the cause of my unhappiness. So I spent my days mulling and stewing over them.

  • Daniel had a problem with over-reacting to poor drivers. He’d talk at them while they were in front of him and then mutter about them long after he’d passed.  
  • Even worse was his spices-should-be-alphabetized problem. He blamed me when he reached for cayenne pepper but ended up with nutmeg in his chili.
  • Then there was his serious lack of sociability problem. He preferred to stay home –– “Just the two of us, Babe!” he’d say –– rather than attend potlucks or parties together.

I tried for more than a decade to solve “my husband’s problems” by whining about them and waiting for him to change. I expected my misery to motive him. 

Unfortunately, I was labeling my own personal preferences and expectations as “my husband’s problems”.  This was not beneficial nor helpful to our marriage at all.

Have you ever done that?

Reading books like Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by John Gottman and Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, I discovered that what I’d been calling “my husband’s problems” were not his problems after all.

They were mine.

The real problems were (1) my reactivity and (2) my reluctance to take personal responsibility. So, I practiced reframing “my husband’s problem” as

  • “my problem with my own anxiety when I’m a passenger and feel out of control.”
  • “my problem with interpreting a reasonable request for order as a personal attack.”
  • “my problem with expecting someone else to take care of my socializing needs for me.”

As I started recognizing my personal preferences and expectations –– and taking responsibility for my reactions and needs –– “my husband’s problems” vanished one-by-one!

With my vision no longer obscured by irritation, I began to notice Daniel’s myriad strengths and see all the positive contributions he was making to my life. 

I finally felt free. To enjoy my man. To be fully present in our marriage. And to give my husband the gift of a happy wife.

The best is yet to come!

Cheri @Anchoring Hearts in Hope

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Cheri Gregory

Cheri Gregory is a Certified Personality Trainer; contributor/co-author of a dozen books, including Wired That Way and 21 Ways to Connect With Your Kids (with Kathi Lipp); and frequent speaker for MOPS groups, women's retreats, parent workshops, and educational seminars. She holds an M.A. in Leadership and is working on her PhD. Cheri has been "wife of my youth" to Daniel, a pastor, for over a quarter-of-a-century; they have two college-aged kids. She blogs about expectations, “baditude”, and hope at CheriGregory.com/blog.

 

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are snarky, offensive, or off-topic. If in doubt, read My Comment Policy
  • L

    But what if Daniel’s overreaction to other drivers causes him to drive erratically and puts him in a foul mood that could be taken out on you or the kids?
    What if his need to order the spices is only a glimpse of a larger control issue, and/or causes him to lash out at you because you did not put the oregano in the correct spot?
    What if his anti-social personality tries to keep you at home and tries to control where/when you go out and who you go out with??

    If your husband has the traits that you listed, but he allows YOU to be the person YOU are, then that’s great. But if the traits you listed opens up to larger control/anger issues, then I don’t think that is very healthy or safe. I get that we’re supposed to die to ourselves. I get that we are supposed to serve our husbands and try to let go of our own desires. But, how are you suggesting to be a happy wife when there are larger control/anger issues than just disagreeing about where to put the spices???

    Thank you.

    • Janet

      But L you are sharing your own beliefs and problems and putting them on someone else. We do not need to serve our husbands or let go of our own desires, why should we do that? Why would you believe that we have to ”die” ourselves? Has someone needed you to do that in the past?We can still be strong and loving and have our own personalities and desires in a happy marriage. Mine is 33 years of marriage this year and I have never been happier. We see each other as two individuals who love each other and want the best for the other person. We will be celebrating by having our marriage blessed in a Buddhist temple near our home in Thailand later this month. I am married still because I am in love and happy in the marriage, there is no other reason to be married if you want to remain yourself. Namaste xx

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Hi L — You bring up excellent questions that are outside of my realm of experience/expertise. My examples involved petty annoyances, not abuses. For violations of basic needs, such as health and/or safety, I suggest the assistance of a licensed counselor.

      (I’ve left a general comment that gives more context for this blog post; it may clarify the perspective from which I’m coming.)

  • Rt

    of Course Not Everyone Who Comments Is A Happy Wife. Most Of Us Are Here Trying To Figure Out HOW to Be Happy Wives.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Actually, in this community, alot of those who visit for encouragement are happily married. That’s the reason I asked that this post be shared with others, should this not relate to them. I hope that didn’t offend you.

      • HappyWife1025

        Thanks for always posting such positive things! I am an extremely happy wife and love to connect with other happy wives for encouragement. With all of the negativity out there, it’s so easy to get caught up on the things in our marriage that are “wrong” and not focus on the good. Our marriage is wonderful and I love being my husband’s wife and another reason I am a part of the “Happy Wives Club” is because I want it to STAY that way and just get better and better. It always puts into perspective how small the little things are and what’s really important. Plus, I do agree with this article, how easy is it to make our personal preferences our husbands “weaknesses” when really, they are just differences. Just a small example, but my husband has a route he takes to work that “I know” is NOT the “short cut” at all, but I’ve learned to just let it go and let him believe that’s the “short cut” if that’s what makes him happy ;) It’s really not worth making him feel 2 feet tall just for me to get a point across. Even if my preference’s and my ways are different don’t make them any better than his. Anyways, thanks again for this wonderful site and all of the wonderful advice!!!

        • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

          Thank you so much! You and I are so much alike in that we are happily married now…but don’t take that for granted. It’s a daily thing of working on being the best person I can be which allows me to be the best wife possible. Some days I fail but most days I succeed and that keeps me inspired.

          • Etheldreda

            You ladies are only lying to yourself. LOL. Stepford Wives over here. Keep swallowing all that bullshit pretty soon it won’t smell so bad, since you’ll be drowning in it…

          • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

            Sorry you’re a Stepford Wife, Etheldreda. I can’t join you in that, however, because that simply isn’t my life. I do, however, love being married and adore my husband to pieces. You and I just have two very different lives…and that’s okay. That’s what makes the world go round. Wishing you the best!

          • Etheldreda

            Right so happy that you spend all your time online bragging and posting a response to everyone on here…not buying your bullshit. Get a life. Anyways I gotta get ready to go to the park with my kid. Marriage is awesome and sometimes we want to run for the hills….However people who act like things are perfect are the ones living in denial…much like you. I stay clear of people like you who present an image and feel the need to get fulfillment through social media. Desperate if you ask me…but then again I’m a realist. Tata stepford wife!

          • http://joyfulmothering.net/ Christin

            Forgive me for jumping in here but I am a very happy wife and I am not living in denial. My husband and I have been married 14 years — and this community has nothing to do with perfection and everything to do with fighting the good fight in our marriages because we WANT to, because life will give us ups and downs; the question is, how are we handling them in light of our marriages? Are we allowing things to come in and destroy or are we using those things to make our marriage stronger? Everyone has a choice.

          • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

            Love that you hopped in here, Christin, because you are so right. Happiness is a choice and we all have the option to make it moment-by-moment of every day.
            And Etheldreda, yes it’s my honor and pleasure to serve this community so I respond to as many messages as I possibly can. I’m not always able to get to them all but when I can, I certainly do try. To clarify, I do not believe perfection in marriage exists. It can’t because it involves two imperfect people. But there are happily married couples all over the world and I’ve traveled to 6 continents to meet and interview them. Perfect they are not. In love and happy after decades and decades of marriage…they most certainly are.

            Wishing you the best and so happy we can agree that marriage is awesome (and never perfect).

        • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

          Happy Wife 1025 — LOVE your example! And kudos to you for realizing that your choice not to make “him feel 2 feet tall” is what’s really important!

  • A

    Gosh. If these were the only problems we had, I wouldn’t be miserable one bit. Negotiation and acceptance are one thing; true misery is another altogether. Also, it’s a dangerous line between accepting normal differences and taking responsibility for another’s bad behaviors. (Note: This is coming from a wife who, even in true misery, works very hard and lovingly on her marriage.)

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thanks for your comment. Based on your personal experience, what has helped you and your marriage the most?

      The interesting thing I’ve found, and I don’t know if you agree, but many of those who complain about their husbands and marriages are for really minor things like this. Of course, this doesn’t match everyone’s challenges because every marriage is so unique. But what I loved about Cheri’s experience was how by changing herself her marriage changed for the better. In my experience, that’s usually the catalyst for the marriages that go from misery to happiness.

      • A

        Thank you so much for asking, Fawn! :-) What I’m finding to be the most helpful is to work on myself first but not in a way that enables those of my spouse’s behaviors that cause problems. Instead, I work on my assertiveness skills so that I can lovingly set and reinforce boundaries that show I respect myself enough not to be treated poorly and also respect him enough to call him on his shinanigans and provide an opportunity for improvement. I’ll use an example of my own behavior to make the point. Since our son was born, I’d been getting pretty bad about leaving my phone on silent or somewhere inaccessible because I was just so preoccupied with the baby. Once my husband told me that he worried a lot when he couldn’t get me in the phone, I’ve made a concerted effort to keep my phone with me and audible. He set a reasonable boundary and helped me see a point of improvement. There was no misery involved – just the normal give and take of a marriage. Now, when the roles in this scenario are reversed, he doesn’t usually take the opportunity to improve, opting instead to continue doing whatever he pleases. That, to me, is true misery – not having a spouse who cares enough to take your marriage seriously. And that’s my main issue with this article. If these issues are simply about learning to live with each other, why would there be misery? And if there’s truly misery, there must be a lot more going on here. The example about over-reaction in the car is especially troublesome. It doesn’t sound like terrible road rage (my husband has that in spades), so again, how does that create misery? And why on earth would she seek to take blame for his behavior? She says it’s about her own need for control. To control what? The attitude and energy he brings to that vehicle are his responsibility, and they help create the emotional atmosphere. I just don’t want folks with more serious problems to take from this article that the way you go from miserable to happy is to blame yourself for everything.

      • A

        Thank you so much for asking, Fawn! :-) What I’m finding to be the most helpful is to work on myself first but not in a way that enables those of my spouse’s behaviors that cause problems. Instead, I work on my assertiveness skills so that I can lovingly set and reinforce boundaries that show I respect myself enough not to be treated poorly and also respect him enough to call him on his shinanigans and provide an opportunity for improvement. I’ll use an example of my own behavior to make the point. Since our son was born, I’d been getting pretty bad about leaving my phone on silent or somewhere inaccessible because I was just so preoccupied with the baby. Once my husband told me that he worried a lot when he couldn’t get me in the phone, I’ve made a concerted effort to keep my phone with me and audible. He set a reasonable boundary and helped me see a point of improvement. There was no misery involved – just the normal give and take of a marriage. Now, when the roles in this scenario are reversed, he doesn’t usually take the opportunity to improve, opting instead to continue doing whatever he pleases. That, to me, is true misery – not having a spouse who cares enough to take your marriage seriously. And that’s my main issue with this article. If these issues are simply about learning to live with each other, why would there be misery? And if there’s truly misery, there must be a lot more going on here. The example about over-reaction in the car is especially troublesome. It doesn’t sound like terrible road rage (my husband has that in spades), so again, how does that create misery? And why on earth would she seek to take blame for his behavior? She says it’s about her own need for control. To control what? The attitude and energy he brings to that vehicle are his responsibility, and they help create the emotional atmosphere. I just don’t want folks with more serious problems to take from this article that the way you go from miserable to happy is to blame yourself for everything.

        • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

          I agree with you, A. And thank you for the great example you used in your response. I certainly hope that’s not what people take from this article. I hope what people take from this article is the same thing I took which is it’s not about blame; it’s about change. And because we can only change ourselves, that’s always the best place to begin. And when we work on ourselves (as you did), the dynamics in a relationship change for the better.

          What I’ve always found interesting when listening to complaints about spouses (on both sides, by the way) is how mundane the issues are. Something like what Cheri mentions certainly seems small when we’re reading about it here. But when that’s all you focus on (the idiosycracies and flaws of another), they become bigger than life.

          I could be completely wrong (which is why I give tips and suggestions but leave counseling to the experts) but in most instances I know where one spouse made a concerted effort to focus on what they were doing wrong, their spouse began to do the same. Not necessarily overnight but over time.

          • angfrench

            Fawn, I certainly read all that from this article. Where I differ from the author a bit is that I wouldn’t phrase it as “my problem with….” I instead look at why I have the reaction that I do and I discuss it with my husband.

            My husband is extremely even tempered, except in the car. He gets very angry at other drivers and is very vocal about it. And I get very mad at him! It sparked many arguments and we often arrived at our destination not speaking to each other. I finally asked myself, why do I get so angry? It took alot of hard looking to get to the truth of my feelings, but It is fear. He is not acting like himself, so even though he is a very well trained driver and never drives irresponsibly, I am afraid he might, since his behavior is so abnormal – his actions might be too. I discussed it with him and asked him…why do YOU react the way YOU do….he let me know it is like a pressure release valve. He gets very frustrated with other drivers and that is his way of letting it go. Do I still worry? Of course! But I don’t get angry with him, and he is more aware.

            The same would go with the spice example (although I do alphabetize mine!!). Why does it upset me that he wants the spices alphabetized? If I see it as a personal attack (and I often see many things he says in that light), I would ask myself why? The answer is usually because I want to think he sees everything I do as perfect! So I would talk to him about it. My guess is he would tell me it isn’t personal, just the way he wants it.

            I don’t see any of that as “my problem with…”, which seems like my taking responsibility for the situation. I think it is just owning your reaction, understanding your husband’s, and recognizing, respecting, and working with each other’s differences is part of making a happy marriage.

            My husband’s chief complaint to me is that I take everything he says personally and negatively. His standing order to me is that if there are two ways to take something he said, assume he meant it the nice way!!

          • A

            Right on, Ang! I’ll add though that some fears are well founded and stem from a real problem. Using the road rage example, you’ve described mine and my husband’s situation exactly. Many a date night have been ruined in just that manner. I differ with you on two things though – (1) that behavior is toxic and not okay and (2) he does this with our child in the car, which models poor behavior and is unpleasant at best. Our child and his future spouse and children will not be given any favors by letting the behavior stand. I would much rather do all the driving instead of him if it means keeping the emotional atmosphere at a healthy level. Also, with the spices example, what I found troubling was actually that he blamed his wife for his having used the wrong spice. Are they not labeled? Are his eyeballs missing? If one spouse refuses to take personal responsibility, that doesn’t mean the other should take it on for them, and that’s definitely not a scenario by which long-lasting happiness can be achieved. And by the way, I’m not trying to direct all of this towards you. I’m just further responding to the article from the angle you’ve presented. :-)

          • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

            A —

            Road rage is a serious issue. The example I used was about my own irritation that I have to sit and listen to words meant for someone who can’t even hear them, not road rage.

            Re: the spices, my original draft of this blog post actually included the parenthetical statement “(The bottles have labels for a reason!)” But I was afraid my sarcasm would come across as disrespect in writing. (I will neither confirm no deny saying to him at the time, “And you’ve lost your ability to READ LABELS today?!?”)

            Since my husband is the one who does 99% of the cooking and 100% of all the kitchen organization, he was more baffled than blaming when he ended up putting nutmeg in the chili. The idea that I’d actually used some of “his” spices never occurred to him because it happens so rarely.

          • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

            angfrench –

            I love how you use questions instead of statements!

            The statements worked for me because they helped shift my focus to “my” instead of “his“…they helped me own my reactions.

            But I can see how they might come across as condemning…whereas your questions arouse curiosity without judgment.

            Thanks so much for sharing practical examples — and your husband’s reminder to “assume the best” is great wisdom for us all!

          • A

            Fawn, I understand and generally agree with what you ‘re saying. However, the intent of this post was presented as an outreach to “miserable” wives not currently connected to this page. For those folks, who are in myriad situations both good and bad, it could be detrimental to meet their current need (or even crisis) with an article that either presents small problems under the label of “misery” or presents quite large problems under “take everything on yourself” advisement. Perhaps this article is better suited for the Happy Wives members who are simply unhappy instead of for an outside population that truly may be dealing with miserable and potentially abusive situations. Those folks are in a vulnerable state and may be prone to take this article at face-value, especially since the author bio says she is a counseling professional. I mean no offense to you and applaud your efforts to engender happy marriages, but I’m also concerned about impacts on others.

          • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

            A —

            Thanks for articulating your concerns.

            I’ll talk with Fawn about amending this blog post to include a disclaimer that we are not offering advice for anyone dealing with abuse, addiction, adultery, or abandonment.

            Which part of my bio makes it sound as if I’m a “counseling professional”? I am not, and I don’t want to be misleading.

          • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

            Fawn — Your comment about how focus causes flaws to become bigger than life reminds me of the time it dawned on me that I’d allowed a 5-second annoyance to dominate 5 days of my life. What my husband had done/said had literally taken less than 5 seconds, but I’d been the one to keep it going in my own head for 5 days.

            I realized that no matter how “right” I might have been, I was on the way to wasting my entire life majoring in minors: there had to be a better way than mulling and stewing. That’s when I got serious about learning how to change myself.

        • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

          A –

          Thank you for sharing your practical example!

          When I got married, neither of us knew how to set let alone reinforce boundaries. I was miserable because I was a mess but thought I had it all together.

          As for the driving example, I didn’t mean to imply that I take “blame” for anyone’s behavior. I’ve always been a high-anxiety passenger, and for most of my life I expected others to alter their driving habits. Actually, I told them that they were bad drivers if they didn’t alter their driving habits the way I wanted them to.

          I didn’t know how to express my needs or desires; I only know how to attack or withdraw.

          Now I know how to ask for what I want/need and practice self-care. An iPod with soothing music and a Solitaire game, and I’m pretty much oblivious to how anyone’s driving!

      • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

        Fawn — If you’d told me 5 years into my marriage that “if you change yourself your marriage will change for the better” I wouldn’t have believed you. In fact (get ready to gasp) I had just found a book by a well-known marriage expert that asserted that if the wife was unhappy after 5 years, it was the man’s fault…and I showed it to Daniel, expecting him to take action!

        Two huge things happened when I worked on myself:

        First, I had less time to focus on all the minor things that were bugging me about Daniel. This was good for both of us.

        Second, I started expressing less dissatisfaction and more happiness. Lo and behold, Daniel wanted to make me happy and had withdrawn from me because he felt like a failure. The happier I became, the more he changed…some of his changes were actual and some were simply in my perceptions of him.

        • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

          There is really a book by a well-known marriage expert that asserts that? Wow.

          • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

            Not any more! This was back in the early 90s, before Emerson Eggerichs challenged the prevailing notion that every woman’s “intuition” was automatically infallible.

          • Kristin

            The author’s initials wouldn’t happen to be G.S., would they, Cheri?? =)

          • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

            :-) I’m willing to bet he has since retracted those words…or at least begged women not to misuse them as I did!

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      A —

      Had I been a fully functional, mature adult when I got married, I wouldn’t have been “miserable” either. Looking back, I see that the vast majority of my misery was self-induced. It’s taken me many years to learn that just because I’m feeling pain doesn’t necessarily mean I’ve sustained an injury.

      I used the word “Miserable” in this article as an overstatement to contrast with “Happy.”

      (I’ve left a general comment that gives more context for this blog post; it may clarify the perspective from which I’m coming.)

  • Ally W.

    I agree with the examples of driving and socializing, but I have to say the one about the spices is a poor choice to share. As someone who is now happily married after spending nine years in a physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive relationship, that third one gave me the heebie jeebies. That screams control. I once had to clean out a whole cabinet of cans because the labels were not facing out. If this man is not an abuser, then it would be smart to pick another example. The socializing part is great as long as her choices for socializing are not limited due to her husband’s preferences. I can see where it’s positive to have a different mindset so that small issues don’t upset you, however I think we walk a fine line by telling women to “accept responsibility” in the way that was outlined here. That’s the language of abuse in the right context.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thanks for your comment, Ally. I’ll let Cheri respond to that one because I think the way it is written might cause someone who has gone through an abusive relationship to read it that way (thanks for sharing that in your other comment as it helped provide perspective). But sometimes these things are just about how a person was raised. For instance, in the first few years of my marriage, it would drive my husband nuts that I brushed my teeth anywhere other than in the bathroom. At first, I would just walk around the house doing it because I wanted to prove a point – how silly it was). And then I realized, what a small thing that was and if something in his upbringing caused him to be bothered by this, it was such a tiny adjustment for me to make so why not? Does that make sense?

      • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

        Fawn — I had to LOL at your “because I wanted to prove a point”…I did that in so many useless ways in our early years! How much better it would have been for my personal growth and maturity (and, of course, our marriage) if I’d poured that same energy into fun and creative ways to love my husband!

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Ally W —

      Thank you for sharing your perspective: I’d not thought about the language of personal responsibility being similar to the language of abuse.

      One clarifying note: In our home, the kitchen is Daniel’s domain. He cooks; I don’t. He was not actually upset with me over the spices; he was baffled, both by the fact that he ended up with nutmeg and the fact that I’d actually cooked. We ended up laughing over the nutmeggy chili.

      How might these sound as re-phrases of the “my problem with…” statements from above?

      * “I can not control how anyone else drives, but I can deal with my own anxiety when I’m a passenger and feel out of control.”

      * “I can not change how Daniel prefers to have the spices organized, but I can logically analyze whether he’s attacking me or making a reasonable request.”

      * “I can not change the fact that Daniel is an introvert, but I can take care of my extravert needs to hang out with people rather than moping around at home wishing he was more social.”

      Thank you for sharing with me a vital perspective that I will reflect on and research!

  • Ally W.

    Clarification: I left the abusive relationship. I am now happily married to a wonderful, non-abusive man and have a healthy marriage. :-)

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Yeah! So happy you are now in a happy and healthy marriage, Ally. I wish that for everyone!

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Ally W –

      So glad you are healthy and happy! I received a response to this blog post from a friend who grew up in an abusive home and spent some time in an abusive marriage, saying, “Sometimes we have to make the choice not only to change us but our circumstances.” Your and her experiences are out of my realm of experience/expertise; I admire you both for your courage to make incredibly difficult changes!

  • lisa

    This seems strange…. I couldn’t put up with a man blaming me for spices. If he likes them a certain way then he can do it himself! It sounds like in order to be happy you have to become submissive. Be happy accepting a submissive lifestyle.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Hi Lisa! Is this your first time here? The reason I ask is if you’ve read my writing for any period of time you’d know I’m about the most strong willed, independent woman there is. That’s one of my husband’s favorite things about me is I know exactly who I am and what I want out of life. (Here’s a little about me and how this club began: http://www.happywivesclub.com/fawn-weaver/.) But I also have more respect for him than any other person in the world (and vice versa). It is that love and respect that causes me to want to be the best teammate in this life I can be to him (and vice versa). I think what Cheri is referencing here is simply that going from unhappy to happy, oftentimes -most times- begins with us working on our own selves and our spouses response is an outpouring of that. Hope that helps to clarify.

      • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

        Fawn — Yeppers, you nailed what I was aiming for!

    • HappyWife1025

      I love serving my husband and he loves serving me.. it’s a two way street :) There are things that I am submissive about and vice versa. I’ve learned how to handle his pet peves and he’s learned how to handle mine :) I don’t think that “serving” our husbands and being “submissive” needs to be looked down on as a negative thing. After all, that’s what marriage is about, give and take and sometimes more give than take. People show and receive love differently. If my husband were that particular about the spices, it’s such a minor thing to fight over.. why not just alphabetize them? I’ve definitely learned how to choose my battles and most things are easier to just fix than fight over :)

      • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

        Love this! One of my absolute favorite things in the world is to serve my husband. And he’d say, without question, one of the greatest joys of his life is serving me.

        • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

          Fawn & Happy Wife 1025 — One of the hardest lessons for me to learn was letting my husband serve me. He wanted to, but I didn’t want to be an inconvenience to him. Took me years to see that serving me brought him satisfaction.

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Lisa —

      My bad: I was using hyperbole with the word “blame”; exaggeration works better in speaking than writing. My point was that I spent our early years blowing simple issues waaaay out of proportion.

      Since Daniel does all the cooking and kitchen organizing, he was pretty baffled when he grabbed the bottle where he had last put the cayenne pepper but ended up with nutmeg!

      (I’ve left a general comment that gives more context for this blog post; it may clarify the perspective from which I’m coming.)

  • http://heartinthewriteplace.com/ Nikki Basi

    This is a great article! So much wisdom!! Thanks for sharing!

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thanks, Nikki! Happy it was encouraging to you. Based on the initial comments, I wasn’t quite sure so appreciate your note :) .

      • http://heartinthewriteplace.com/ Nikki Basi

        I am so surprised to hear that Fawn! It so succinctly addressed a huge heart issue I’m dealing with expecting my desires to be his priorities! YIKES! I am praying against this selfishness and really appreciate the lesson!

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Nikki — Glad you found value in it! Thank you for the feedback! :-)

      • http://heartinthewriteplace.com/ Nikki Basi

        I really did Cheri! I was so blessed by the message. It was very simple to understand but very profound by nature. I realized that I have a seriously selfish heart. YIKES! Praying to understand the difference between problems and differences! Thanks again!

  • Renee

    I want to go from being miserable to happy. The questions I is how do I do that…my husband in my eyes has a problem with alcohol. He drinks beer all most every night. Not one or two…more like 5-7 or more. He doesn’t pursue me…I will not be intimate while he under the influence. He is a kind man and shows me love in his own way towards me ( he doesn’t ever tell me I’m pretty, doesn’t ask how my day was… Unlike when we dated… He said we are married now and if anything changes he will let me know…this has made me bitter)
    . I understand he is the product of his raising( his father is the same way)
    . However, his parents are good Christian people. More so his mother. As for the drinking…They do not drink what so ever. The problem with my husband is who he is around. Everyone he is around outside his family and my self are heavy heavy drinkers. Even ALL of his friends and coworker’s. He has no True Christian friends. The one who are “Christian’s” pretty much live the world’s way but “believe” in Christ….I want to be happy and have a wonderful Godly marriage…any words of wisdom
    Renée

    • HappyWife1025

      Hi Renee! I posted this on another page, but I think it would apply to your situation as well too, so I thought I’d share: “One of the best pieces of advice I ever received is that “the words we speak to God are stronger than the words we speak to anyone else”. I am newly married, so I don’t pretend to know the struggles you are facing, but I will definitely keep you in my prayers. I have seen God work miracles when I have “done everything I could do” and finally gave up and gave it all to Him. I would imagine that one of the hardest things you face is wanting to question him and not trust him. I faced this with my husband early in our relationship before we got married and even though I knew that sometimes he was lying to me, I decided to stop questioning him and attacking him when I knew he was lying. Instead, I replaced those statements with telling him how proud I am of him and how much I can see that he has changed (speaking things into existence before they occurred) and guess what? Eventually he lived up to it. I’m not sure if it was guilt or just the faith I had to speak those things over him that made him quit, but I know God had His hand in it. Also, I usually wake up before him and always lay a hand on him and pray for him and speak positive things over our marriage. He has no clue that I do this, but ever since I started doing it, I have seen such a change in his outlook on life. He has a better attitude and I’ve even seen his confidence grow so much in the past few months. I am truly sorry that you have to face the things you face, but be encouraged. God didn’t bring you and your family this far to let you go. Build yourself in Gods love and keep your self esteem strong, even when your husband tears it apart. You are the glue of your family. Have you seen the movie Fire Proof? I haven’t read the “Respect Dare”, but it’s definitely on my list. I have read “Love and Respect” which gave me such a huge insight to the mail brain. I’m not sure if this helps at all, but I just hope and pray that things get better. God bless you and your family!”- Best of luck with everything. I’ve had similar issues in the past, and it’s especially hard when the “good influences” he’s hanging out with aren’t being good influences. For now, as cliché as it may sound, speak faith over him and claim things into existence before they are. Our words are powerful and create things. If we speak negatively, negative things will happen. If we speak positive, positive things will happen. And never under estimate the power of prayer :) I hope this helps in some way!

      • Renée

        Thank you for your words of encouragement. We’ve only been married for 6 years. I will NEVER give up on us. Sometimes I want to, however I know that’s not God’s plan for us. Thank you for your prayers for us. I seem to be slacking in that area…I guess because we were do so good.
        Renée

        • HappyWife1025

          Of course :) 6 years is a long time to make it, especially since so many people quit WAY before then, so congratulations! That is amazing. I pray that every year from now will just get better and better and that there will be resolution in your heart and situation. Best of luck!

        • Mrs G

          Renée, I would like to offer you my perspective.

          I’m a Catholic and we do not share the same views on alcohol than evangelicals and other American Christian denominations. For us, moderate alcohol consumption is just fine, it’s not a sin and it doesn’t make you less than a Christian.
          I grew up in a religious family (and in a country) where moderate alcohol consumption (1/2 glass of wine at meals) is just normal. However, nobody in my family has an alcohol problem because they have no problem if, for any reason, they don’t or can drink and they respect those who choose (for whatever reason) not to drink. That’s an healthy alcohol attitude, in my opinion.

          To go back to your situation, I would like to say the following, not really as advice but more as food for thought.
          Talk with your husband about his drinking, tell him that it genuinely upsets you and you would like to find a solution. Most likely the solution will be to compromise, he will drink less and you will accept a moderate alcohol consumption.
          If your husband is unwilling to compromise, then you have to understand why. It might be that he wants to have always his way (this is a serious character flaw, I’m sorry) like a spoilt child. You’ll have to deal with it, maybe with the help of a therapist. It might also be that he has an alcohol problem, which might worsen with time (with negative consequences for his health). In this case, he will need professional help.

  • Leslie Swan

    I can relate to so many of those little things that made you miserable. No I just have to figure out how to believe his discontent isn’t a personal attack. When looking at your example I can rationally see that. Unfortunately, when it is my own relationship, I seem to lose that rational thinking. Thanks for shedding light on the subject!

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Leslie — I appreciate your honesty! I can spot all these “little things” in my friends’ marriages when they’re complaining, but it takes intentionality to see them in my own relationship!

      A few years ago, I was still getting super-duper defensive every time Daniel would open the empty knife drawer and say, “All I want is a clean knife!” Finally, one day I asked myself, “What would I hear if I stripped his sentence down to just the literal meaning?” And the answer was simple. I would hear him say that all he wants when he opens the knife drawer is a clean knife. So I bought a new set of knives for him; when they arrived, he said he preferred the old ones. (He’s as loyal as the day is long, which is a quality I love in him!) So, the new set became mine and the kids’.

      He’s not said anything about wanting a clean knife since then. I just wish I’d really heard him sooner!

  • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

    Wow — I am honored by your open sharing of different perspectives! Thank you, every one.

    I’m going to share a bit more of my story, here, to fill in some context for the blog post. Then I’ll do my best to respond to each one of you who expressed a concern.

    The summer after I graduated from high school, I spent six weeks in the Eating Disorder Unit of a psychiatric hospital. In addition to anorexia and bulimia, I was diagnosed with narcissism. After being released, I headed off to college, determined to leave “all that” behind me. (As if!)

    Daniel and I met six months into our freshman year. I wrote home to my parents that he was “the male version of me!” (So much for leaving narcissism behind!) We married between our junior and senior years, with far more optimism than maturity.

    Through our 25 years of marriage (as of 9/11) we have become best friends and soul mates. We can’t imagine our lives without each other. But our first ten years were anything but bliss. Looking back, we agree our primary issue was immaturity, which was obvious in our attitudes/actions of self-centeredness and entitlement.

    At the time, of course, I saw none of this. I was sure I was right and, when he disagreed with me, that he was wrong. For our first decade my thinking went like this: “If he would just _______, I could finally be happy! Until he ________, I can not be happy.”

    When I stopped trying to change his behaviors and started working to change my own negative thought patterns, I discovered that my emotions were not dependant on anyone else’s behavior; I could change my feelings by my making different choices. As I changed for the better, our marriage improved dramatically.

    This is the perspective from which I share what I’ve learned in my marriage.

    If you and I had been sitting across my kitchen table from each other, and I’d shared the words in today’s blog post aloud, you would have heard a tongue-in-cheek tone in my voice when I proclaimed myself the president of the “Most Miserable Wife Club” and seen an ironic twinkle in my eye when I referred to “my husband’s problems.”

    I am sorry that my words and examples triggered concerns and abuse alarms for some. I appreciate your vulnerability and courage in sharing your own experiences and examples. You’ve given me much to reflect on, and for that I am grateful.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Thank you so much, Cheri, for filling in the rest of your story and congratulations on 25 years of marriage. You inspire us, my friend.

  • HappyWifeDeb

    Fawn, I want to thank you for having this page and sharing with everyone. I am also a Happy Wife and that is the reason I joined this club. I enjoy this club so much. It is so nice not to have to listen to women bashing their husbands or men all the time. It’s a breath of fresh air. My husband was looking for the Happy Husbands Club but sadly no one has created one yet. Maybe that is something he can do if he has time. Again, thank you so much for sharing your happiness with other happy wives. You are a blessing! <3 God bless you <3

  • Paula Moore-Espinosa

    Horrible advice

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Paula — One of the reasons I blog is to learn from others’ feedback. If you’d be wiling to share what you found horrible, I’m interested in hearing your perspective.

  • Guest

    I get so sick of reading this kind of crap!!!!! It sounds to me like you have found a coping mechanism for dealing with a GROWN UP CHILD!!!! Trust me you are not the first woman that I have read this kind of garbage from. I really really think that you put the blame on yourself for his infantile behavior and then come up with a so called “biblical” response to it. Sure, we can only change ourselves, but we can be a “tool” of change in someone else’s life whether it be a husband, friend, family member, co-worker, etc. God created women to he a suitable help for men. I don’t believe that that means washing his underware and cooking his meals. I believe that it is to be the “strength” in the areas where he is weak (and the same goes for him and his strengths when where we women are weak). Men need to be confronted with their weaknesses just as much as we women need to be confronted with our weaknesses too.
    I’m seriously considering unliking HWC on Facebook because this kind of stuff is 100% pure junk!!!

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Hi Guest —

      There’s a saying among writers and speakers that goes “That which is most personal is most universal,” but I’m thinking it may not apply to marriage stories. Each marriage is unique, and my individual story clearly does not hold value for you.

      Thank you for sharing your perspective. I’m sorry that I came across as placing blame on myself for others’ behaviors. I do not do this, nor do I advocate it. The point I had hoped to get across was that since I have stopped placing blame on my husband for my reactions and started taking responsibility for myself, I have been much happier, and our marriage has improved.

      I’m unsure about the reference to underwear and cooking, as I did not mention these in my blog post. I agree with you 100% that we are brought together by God to provide complementary strengths for each other’s weaknesses. My husband and I happen to be completely opposite personalities, and during our quarter-of-a-century together, the Holy Spirit has spoken much personal conviction to both of us through our differences.

      (I’ve left a general comment that gives more context for this blog post; it may clarify the perspective from which I’m coming.)

  • http://www.trueagape.com/ Cassie

    Love how you put it : “Unfortunately, I was labeling my own personal preferences and expectations as “my husband’s problems”. ”
    That is the perfect way to put it into words! Thank you for the reminder!

  • http://www.rocksolidfamily.com/ Anastacia Maness

    Wow, Cheri! You created quite a stir. :)

    I completely understand where you are coming from with this article. I am a happily married wife to my husband and best friend who is also my exact opposite. Just because we are friends doesn’t mean we always agree. I had to do two things whenever we disagreed.

    First I had to find a way to express my disagreement without just bursting into tears. Poor guy that just got him all disturbed and didn’t help me any because I would then be all upset that he was upset. It was a vicious circle.

    Then I had to learn how to best communicate with him. Communication is so vital. Not just any communication but good communication works. Bad communication is when you both blame each other. Bad communication is also when you take total blame and don’t tell him when something bothers you. I’ve done that a lot.

    Now I have learned to actually give my husband the facts and how he can help me. Instead of spending all my time hinting that there is a problem, I now think about the best way to word the difficulty in a non-blaming way and then present different options that would actually solve my problem. He loves problem solving. Even if the situation started off in tears it now ends happily with the problem solved and neither of us feeling like dirt beneath the other’s feet. :)

  • http://www.tnealtarver.wordpress.com TNeal

    Cheri, as a husband, I see what you’re saying to anyone who’s married. I’m responsible for my actions, reactions, and attitudes. I choose to see what I see–whether positive or negative. I choose where I’ll focus my attention and my efforts–on her “problems” or mine. I can try to manipulate the change in her or I can do the real work of change in me.–Always in need of grace, Tom

  • Julie

    How true this is. I have been married 27 years and am so excited about what is in our future. We have been through so much (good and bad). I have experience the same thing. I did “die to myself” and began to see God work His work in my husband. A heart of gratefulness toward our husbands is like sunshine on a plant to them. We are both so thankful we didn’t give up. Nothing could match the sweetness of the blessing we have in our marriage now. It’s still not always ” peachy” but that’s what forgiveness is for. :) Love my man ♡♡♡♡

  • http://thekoalabearwriter.blogspot.com Bonnie Way

    I totally agree with this! Thank you for sharing this. :)

  • Zaylee

    Hi,
    I enjoyed the article and like this site. Thanks Cheri.
    But I did read Guest and Paula’s comments and I think I understand them, because, I am female and a woman, before I am a wife. My role as a wife does not suggest that I ignore and allow painful or uncomfortable practices from my husband. This is so unfair when we tell wives to be all sacrificing and unselfish to another, who does not respond with the same. Yes, we will all have to answer for our sins, and we must do the right things in this world, but, every human has a breaking point, where they get fed up when another does things that are hurtful and wrong. No person wants to be dogged out. Do any of you realize just how much wives/women/mothers have on their plates?? I guess if husbands had to do all the things wives had to contend with, day in and day out, then maybe they would really have more understanding about, what we put up with. When wives are pointing ot to their husbands about something that he keeps doing that is wrong, it’s usually at the point where she can’t take any more of it.. You all know the usual routine in families, in marriages. Need I enlighten you?
    . Yes, wives must obey God and do what we are supposed to do, but husbands are also to do what they are supposed to do. In addition, let us stop writing articles that lecture wives, unless we will write some, that also lecture husbands. Wives do get fed up with seeing the imbalance, you know.
    I hope that more members of our gender, will encourage other females a little more, and tear down a little less. I would like for other women to join in, as we encourage young and gillible females to stop posing nude, to stop having premarital sex, being more modest, and to stop allowing abuse from men. We need to spend a little time trying to lift and encourage our young females. That is one thing, that God would have us more experienced, wiser females to do. As a whole, we females need to respect and care for ourselves before we date and/or marry any man. ec 19, 2013

    • http://www.cherigregory.com/ Cheri Gregory

      Hi Zaylee — Thanks so much for sharing your perspective!

      I agree with you that being a wife does not mean ignoring or allowing painful or uncomfortable practices from one’s husband. I certainly did not intend to come across as recommending acceptance of hurtful and wrong treatment in marriage.

      In sharing my story, my goal was to reach wives who would resonate with my experiences and perhaps find hope. I am sorry that you felt I was lecturing; this was not my intent.

      I’ve left a general comment that gives more context for this blog post; it may clarify the perspective from which I’m coming: http://www.happywivesclub.com/miserable-to-happy-wife-with-one-simple-change/#comment-1154626117.

    • Guest

      Hi Zaylee — Thanks so much for sharing your perspective!

      I agree with you that being a wife does not mean ignoring or allowing painful or uncomfortable practices from one’s husband. I certainly did not intend to come across as recommending acceptance of hurtful and wrong treatment in marriage.

      In sharing my story, my goal was to reach wives who would resonate with my experiences and perhaps find hope. I am sorry that you felt I was lecturing; this was not my intent.

      I’ve left a general comment that gives more context for this blog post; it may clarify the perspective from which I’m coming: http://www.happywivesclub.com/miserable-to-happy-wife-with-one-simple-change/#comment-1154626117.

  • http://www.aterriblehusband.com/about/ A Terrible Husband

    I. LOVE. THIS. POST. I am a HUGE proponent of taking personal responsibility over improving your relationships. For years I touted personal responsibility around the office like it was going out of style (turns out it wasn’t going out of style…). And I’d go home and point fingers.

    Finally it got through my thick skull that good businesses are based upon good relationships among coworkers, customers, and the community at whole. And if personal responsibility was the best way to succeed there, why wouldn’t it work jsut as well at home. (Duh!). It’s been a little over a year. And it’s been tough. But it’s been an amazing improvement.

    Great, great post.

    • http://www.happywivesclub.com/ Fawn @ Happy Wives Club

      Agreed! Definitely a step in the right direction – for sure!

  • Don Dressel

    I have been with my wife for 23 years but only married for 8 months. I have never been unfaithful and have always tried to make her happy. I have a bad back and have not been able to do much with her. I told her that would change after I got an epidural which I did and have been working out. Recently she told me she is not happy and does not know why? The other day we went out to lunch and when we got home she wanted to go out again without me. My head is spinning and I do not know if she is cheating on me so does anybody have an answer for me?

  • dentalgirl

    What am i supposed to do personally when its my husband that is always negative and never seeming to be in a good mood. He bums me out!!

  • CTDMT

    I have an issue. My wife and I have been married a year come April. We have a six month old, and a 6 year old from my previous marriage. I’m active duty. We met in Hawaii while I was still married. My divorce was ugly and it wasn’t a secret. We eventually got married and had our baby and I got full custody of my daughter. Well eventually we grew tired of Hawaii and when the harassment by my ex turned into an opportunity to transfer a few months early we jumped at the chance. We were eager to start our life together fresh in a new place back on the mainland. Well the assignment I was given(which my wife had thought a good idea because it’s shore duty and I’d be home everyday for few years while our daughter was growing) sounded great, and new and was in an area of the country that was very different than what we were used to at that point. It’s in New England. We went from 85 degrees to 30 in one day. I also took a large pay cut when I transferred. We went from 2 vehicles to 1. Since arriving in our new home, my wife has grown more and more miserable. With the more miserable she gets the more negative and with that more disrespectful and blatantly just rude to me she becomes. To the point that I eventually lash back because she talks down to me all the time and criticizes everything I say and do. I mean everything. She has also become an unreal germaphobe. But it mostly seems it’s just another way to attack me for things I feel are insignificant, I.e i change the baby on a towel on the bed, I go into the bathroom and wash my hands, when I return, she is hold ing the towel and asking which way it was folded with the baby on it. I said I don’t know, why does it matter?, she insisted that one end is filthy from baby’s bottom touching it and she had told me this before(she hadn’t). This is when the “what’s wrong with your brain?” And “don’t you think?” Stuff starts. She asks me what are unanswerable questions, just to back me into a corner and pick apart my answers and again question my intellect and ability to carry out simple tasks. After this we went down to the kitchen where I make the family breakfast on the weekends. Things were cooled off and we were enjoying a nice Saturday morning, when out of no where she looks at me and says “you frustrate me.” And I said “why?what did I do?” And her reply is simply “I don’t know. You just do.” At this point she insists we clean the whole house, but it’s more of her storming around and belittling me and talking to me like a child and less of us cleaning the house together(the house does get clean because eventually we stop speaking, or rather I finAlly put her on the spot and tell her not to talk to me like she is and she is being disrespectful, and suddenly she doesn’t want to talk about it any more. So we are both just cleaning silently). As of lately with the weather and lack of vehicle for her during the day, and being in a new area and not having friends she has become exceedingly irritable and tells me constantly how unhappy she is and how she never leaves the house. So I offer solutions to these problems, like find a hobby or job to get her out of the house, a co-workers wife had asked for my wife’s contact info so they could socialize, I suggested she contact her. Any and all solutions to any problem she is having that I offer are met with disgust like asked her to cut off one of her ears or something, like they are the worst possible ideas she has ever heard and how dare I suggest such things. Yet she offers no solutions of her own. Which is usually the story with any issue we are having. Since moving I have taken a considerable cut in pay, which we make enough to pay the bills but it doesn’t leave a lot for extra curricular activities. She makes it very apparent very often that we are broke and she is miserable(I find it very disrespectful to be essentially told I’m failing as a provider). Everything seems to come back to her resenting me for things that she knew of before we were married and didn’t bother her, but she now resents me for those same things and throws them in my face. Rereading this I see it is really quite a rant, and evidently I need to vent to someone. Any thoughts? There is more but I’m not sure where to start or what to include. It’s all more of the same.