What to Do When Your Husband Has a Low Sex Drive
My heart poured out for him. I could feel his pain. Every bit of him wanted to show how much he loved his wife, in every way, at every moment.
But stress and anxiety were causing him to “fail” her in one way and unlike everything else, he couldn’t figure out how to “fix” it.
That happened a couple weeks ago. I was speaking with a happily married man- who I know loves and adores his wife- and yet stress from work and other challenges were impairing him in an area he never would have expected.
Yep. That area. Down there.
So many men, when they are young, are taught to put so much stock in “down there.” Alot of ego is wrapped up in their ability to please. So what do they do when that’s taken away?
A doctor can help. But even that can feel so invasive (and ego crushing) to some. So after getting this question from members of this club who didn’t know exactly how to handle this, I asked our resident sex expert, Sheila Wray Gregoire, to help shed some light on this taboo subject.
I recognize that most of you are a part of the 70-percent this is not written for so I want to acknowledge in advance that this post won’t be for everyone.
If you are one of the fortunate 70-percent, consider sharing this post with your married girlfriends because I guarantee someone around you needs this encouragement.
Until tomorrow…make it a great day!
Does your husband often “have a headache”?
If you’re in one of the 30% of marriages where the WOMAN has the higher sex drive, it’s easy to feel like a freak. But after surveying thousands of men and women for my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I can confidently say that there’s likely nothing wrong with you at all! It’s often just a normal part of marriage.
Marriage is a lifelong journey you take together, and that journey is going to have twists and turns. It’s not always going to stay the same.
We’re quite aware that women’s libidos change all the time, depending on the time of month, the age of our kids, and our hormones.
We often forget that men are the same way, though for different reasons. Men have hormonal fluctuations, too–though not to the extent that we do–but often men’s sex drives will ebb and flow with stress, problems at work, and even medical conditions.
In our marriage, my husband was always the one with the higher sex drive and I would struggle to get myself in the right frame of mind so that we could have a good time together–even if I was exhausted. But when pressure from work got to be too much, he started to head to bed without asking for anything, which left me perplexed and lonely.
A few years and a new job later, we’re back on track. But those times when our husbands’ sex drives wane can bring doubt and frustration. Based on research, as well as my personal experience, here are a few tips on what to do if your husband has a low sex drive.
Figure Out the Cause of His Lower Sex Drive
So let’s look at what could be causing his libido to head south. It could be something which is easily solved with exercise (if only exercise were easy!). Obesity and diabetes can kill libido, so going for a walk every night and taking up jogging can make you both more energetic in lots of ways!
It could also be a sign of low testosterone, which means he needs to swallow his pride and talk to the doctor. But trust me, as the wife of a physician, I can promise you: telling your doctor that you have a low sex drive will not even register in the top 10 embarrassing things that physician has heard all week.
Often, though, a guy’s lower libido is just from life. He’s stressed, he’s tired, and he’s turning inward to deal with it, rather than outward to you. So what do you do in these times when you feel distant, and worried, and even a little physically frustrated?
Keep Laughing Together
If you laugh together at least once a day, you can solve almost any problem! And laughing together helps you to feel like you’re on the same page. You build goodwill, so it’s easier to talk to your spouse about issues, too–even issues in the bedroom.
And when do you tend to laugh? When you’re doing things together! So take a walk after dinner. Start exercising. Play a card game. It doesn’t matter WHAT you do, as long as you spend time together.
When he’s the one with the higher sex drive, we women are often running for cover. We don’t initiate because he always does. Then, if he goes through a period of unemployment or stress at work and he’s lost the oomph to say, “come here, baby!”, your sex life can suddenly come to a screeching halt.
Maybe this just means it’s time for you to step up to the plate. Buy some sexy lingerie. Let your hands wander a bit when you’re snuggling. Tell him what you love about his body. Even if he wasn’t interested initially, he very well may reconsider!
Deal With Your Frustration
Sometimes, though, cute panties and flirting won’t cut it. He’s doubting himself. He’s tired. And he just doesn’t know if he wants to make the effort.
In that case, you could be left with a lot of pent up frustration. Don’t make that worse by feeding that frustration with chick flicks or romance novels. Channel your energy somewhere else. Psychologists call this “sublimation”, and it really is possible! Exercise a ton. Start a new hobby. Give yourself something else to think about and get excited about, so you don’t grow resentful and frustrated at your hubby.
Keep Loving Him Through It
Remember that marriage does last decades. If you go through a period of a few years of relative sexual drought, it very well may turn completely around a few years later. So do what you can now to support him and encourage him as he’s struggling, so that he knows that no matter what happens, you’re still on his team.
QUESTION: How would you encourage a couple going through this right now?
Sheila is the author of seven books, including 31 Days to Great Sex, a 31-day challenge for couples to work through that can help reignite that spark by prompting conversations, fun, and adventure! Check it out.
THE NEW YORK TIMES® BEST-SELLING BOOK: It’s been described as, “Like Eat, Pray, Love but not down on marriage.” Make sure to check out the Happy Wives Club book. I had the great honor of traveling to 12 countries on 6 continents, interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more, with 1 mission only: to find out what makes marriages happy…and keeps them that way. It’s a marriage book like none other. Guaranteed.